Who is my Lennox?

This baby girl has changed my life, she has captivated my heart and I feel an overflowing abundance from my Lord who has given her to me. God is in my ever presence these last couple of weeks. He has given me such peace, love, confidence, joy, and reassurance. Here is why...

From the beginning, Studly and I chose to adopt a baby from the waiting child program. In other words, a baby with special needs. Baby Lennox, has a very specific special need. I have not really shared this part of her and I contemplated heavily on whether to ever share this with the outside world via blog, facebook, other forums. My daughter is perfect in my eyes and God's. I did not want to label my daughter as special needs or introduce her as "here is Lennox and by the way she is.....!" However, over the course of these last couple of weeks I realized the impact of what God is doing in our lives. How He "showed up" in the week during our decision on whether to adopt her. His presence was calm, loving, secure, reassured; nonetheless, He was bold, banging at the door, loud and clear telling us "yes she is our daughter" I want to share Lennox's story, not because I want everyone to know her diagnosis but because I want everyone to know our Lord. To know how He works through us, is ever so present in our everyday decisions, and how He is faithful.

I am going to try and start at the beginning, from the day of the phone call. Our social worker went briefly over her file with me over the phone. We knew her diagnosis and were open to looking at her file. The file came to us via email. In the file was two pictures, two well baby checks, birth history on birth mother/father and on her. Then there were many other files on specific tests, diagnosis, and procedures that have been done in her short five months of life. Before we opened her file, Studly and I came together in prayer. Prayer that God would be apart of this decision with us, that His will be done, and that we would do what He wants from us. To be present with us as we make this decision and to be with this baby whether we adopt her or not. Then we opened the file. Of course, we looked at her picture first and we both just felt like she was our daughter instantly. As we began to look through her files, it became apparent that she has a long term diagnosis that will be apart of her life and ours for the rest of her life. This is not fixed with time or surgery or a diagnosis from just her birth. This is a lifelong diagnosis.

As we began to read about the tests and how she is developing we were very open to her diagnosis. To us it did not seem bad however there was some tests that I did not know how to read. I did understand how she was developing and was aware of her delays. That evening we felt like we were ready to adopt her. We were almost like, why should we even have an International Adoption Physician look at her file. Yet we wanted to be clear on everything and know everything before we made the decision. We sent her file that night via email to a IAP (international adoption physician)

The next day, I received the phone call from the IAP. She began to review her history with me, like background story of birth mom and birth history of Lennox. I understood all of that information. Then she, the IAP, began to discuss Lennox's current diagnosis, which is her lifelong diagnosis. On June 24th, Lennox just a couple months old, had a hearing test. According to that hearing test she was diagnosis with severe to profound hearing loss. The test concluded that she could hear at 90 decibels which is loud traffic noise. The IAP further went into the diagnosis and explained the Lennox has was is called sensorineural hearing loss. The IAP explained to me that with that type of hearing loss, Lennox would be a signing only, completely deaf child. She would not be a candidate for Cochlear Implants because of the type of hearing loss that she has. Immediately, I was taken back, I did not think her hearing loss was that bad. Studly and I, the night before, did not consider her hearing loss to be as profound. So with that information, I called Studly immediately to tell him the news. We were scared and shocked and unsure if we could take on this type of responsibility. First, we would all have to learn sign language, taking courses, and integrate it into our lives. Second, according to the IAP, Lennox will have to go to a school that she could learn and thrive and who have the necessary resources for her. The problem with that is we are thinking about homeschooling our children. Homeschooling the two boys and not her was something we really needed to think about. Third, with our mixed family, we are extremely busy, taking the kids to their other parents in another town, juggling sports and holidays, etc. Life is hectic for us and we did not know if that would be fair to Lennox as she would need a lot of therapy and tests in her future. This was all rushing through our heads and we did not know what to do with all the information and decisions that we needed to make. However, God knew, He knew what we were suppose to do. Even before we decided to follow God and adopt a baby. God knew who our daughter would be.

The day we got the call, I began to talk to a friend through email that I have never met IRL. We met through our adoption forum and have talk several times in the past. The day of the referral I emailed her telling her we had our daughter. She was elated and we spoke back and forth about how exciting it was. She has received her referral just months before and we had discussed her daughters history because she was a waiting child also. After we received to report from the IAP, I emailed my friend telling her I was devastated and didn't know if we should adopt her. That night I asked my friend to call me so we could talk on the phone. We had never talked on the phone before and she is the first person I have ever had contact with in this way that I met on the internet. She is an amazing woman of faith and I wanted to confide in her about what was happening.

While on the phone, these words that she spoke stood out to me and I know they were the words God had placed on her heart and wanted to share with me. She said, "God will close the door if you are not suppose to adopt this baby. He knows and you have to give it all to Him" My response to her was this. "I know all of this but I just don't see how He is going to reveal the answer to me. I just have to have faith"

That night after hanging up the phone with her, I had peace in my heart for the first time that day since I got the report back from the IAP. I was calm and I felt His presence at that very moment. I went to Studly and told him I wanted to pray.

Also, that night I decided to email a mother of a blog that I used to follow frequently yet hadn't for the last couple of months. When I first started following her blog, I was intrigued by this mother and by her infant. The blog is, Profoundly Seth, and I knew this little boy had profound hearing loss and received cochlear implants to help with his hearing and language. She is the only mother I knew with a child with severe hearing loss and I wanted to get her perspective on life with a deaf child. So, I decided to email El and asked her a million questions! She responded so quickly and she immediately gave me some information that was shocking to me. According to her, she believed that sensorineural hearing loss are perfect candidates for Cochlear Implants. As long as Lennox's 8th nerve was intact in her brain, then she would be a candidate. I was surprised, just hours ago, according to the IAP, she would not be a candidate for cochlear implants because of her sensorineural hearing loss. Who knew months ago when I started following this blog that it would be so important to me now. Just another sign that God has purpose for us and I was suppose to follow that blog. So, I began to research online that night.


The next day, I was schedule to work, I woke up with a 102 temperature but I hadn't called into work and it was to late to call in by the time I took my temperature. So I decided to head into work anyway. While at work I began to feel worse and told the charge nurse that I thought I needed to head home. Blessing in disguise right there. While on my way home I thought I would call our social worker from our agency to talk to her about the referral. In the back of my mind, I really just wanted her to say "It is okay to decline the file we completely understand." I wanted someone to almost make the decision for me and to tell me it was okay to say no to this baby. So while driving home, which is a 35minute drive, I dialed the number to our agency. I dialed four time over a twenty minute period and every time I received a busy tone. Not once have I ever received a busy tone to our agencies number.

Once I got home, I took some Tylenol and decided to start calling around to Audiologist here in town. First I called our Children's Hospital ,that I work for and talked to our audiologist. I sent her Lennox's file and she got back with me within a couple of hours. According to this Audiologist, Lennox would be a candidate for cochlear implants. She gave me a number of a Pediatric Audiologist who does the surgery and highly recommended her to me.

So, I made the call to that Audiologist. She was amazingly sweet and knowledgeable and willing to look at her file. It was towards the end of the day and she said she would hopefully get back with me the next day.

With all this new information, I began to think, maybe we should call our agency and ask for them to do an MRI and check to see if her 8th nerve is intact. I knew from a previous referral that someone asked for an MRI and it took two months to receive the results. This family waiting patiently for the MRI results before they accepted the referral. In the back of my mind, I did not want to wait that long but I thought maybe we should. So, I dialed our agency number and again, busy tone! I thought maybe I have the wrong number, maybe something was wrong with their number. So, I just decided against it.

That night, I quietly went to my room, went into our closet, and closed the door. I knelt down in complete darkness and began to beg God to reveal his Will to me. To make it clear to us whether we are to adopt this baby. In this life, Studly and I's main purpose is to follow Him, to do what He desires for us and I was scared that we were going to make the wrong decision. That night in my closet, I could hear God speaking. I felt his love, his calmness, him telling me it is okay. That she was my daughter. I got up walked out of my closet with a huge smile on my face. I went to Studly and said I think we are suppose to adopt her. He responded. "Me too!"

The next day, I received the report from the Audiologist. Here is what she wrote in an email back to me.

Hi Summer-

Thanks for sending all of that great information. It looks as though the ABR equipment that they used is rather old, and the response they think may have been there at 90 dB is a little "iffy" to me. My feeling is that most likely we will want to repeat the ABR, as well as try to do behavioral hearing testing in the sound booth. Also, they report that she startles to loud sounds and seems to respond to a bell at the 4 month visit. Those responses are not consistent with severe to profound sensorineural hearing loss.

Regardless of what degree the hearing loss is, I would recommend having her fit with hearing aids as soon as possible upon her arrival here in the US. And starting INfant Toddler speech language therapy visits immediately as well. She will need to have an MRI most likely to confirm that she actually has auditory nerves.

I hope this helps.

I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe what I was reading. This is completely different than what I got from the IAP just days before. She may not even have severe to profound hearing loss. Immediately I knew she was to be our daughter. I went to Studly and told him the news. He was ready to say "YES!"

So, I called our social worker at our agency and guess what, it went straight through, no busy tone, nothing. The first time in two days that I tried to call our agency and the moment we were ready to say "Yes" there was no busy tone. Once again, another reassurance that God was in control. God opened and close the doors we needed to get the answer we wanted.

Today, as we fall more in love with our daughter, we are okay with her diagnosis. We are okay with learning sign language if we have too. It is amazing how our hearts and minds can change when we open our lives to God. This baby girl has given me so much, she has given me faith in our Lord beyond understanding.

So, as I sit here today...

My eyes long to stare into her beauiful face

My arms ache to hold her

My lips yearn to kiss those cheeks

My ears desire to hear her cry

I want to breathe in the essence of her smell as we snuggle

My heart is full of love for her.

And I can't wait to have her home.